Friday, February 08, 2008
lly (LLY) { 12:32 PM
It is currently the Eight of February 2008, 2.38AM.
I once whined to Brenda about how bored I was. She said, 'you are Leeying leh. how can your life be boring?!' Let's do a self-assessment.
I am critical. I can be determined. If I am interested, i go for it. That is typical. I need encouragement constantly. I'm not pragmatic. I don't know how to be. I enjoy taking my own sweet time. But I love responsibility and would really want to try treating pressure as a challenge I can overcome myself. (provided I dont get defeated and turn to someone for help) If I really like you, I'd always do my best within my ability for you. I don't care if you are purely fooling me or not. My life and soul is built upon people whom I have beside me. My heart is pieced by every individual who has impacted my life. My mind is adapted to how the people around me react. However, I dont seem like a people's person. I am not perfect. One negative thing I am aware about myself is that just because I like to learn from past experiences, I take a long time to get over the past.
I enjoy life. Really do. Family. I love them for what we've gone through. Friends. They come and go. I feel blessed to have some who are still by me after years or separation, such as ks, eunice, yishu, leonard soh, ivan.. I wish it works the same way for my team mates, ll, JMs, Zoots, Darling, Favourite person, brother, etc... Hey, everyone has their faults. Just because of one and you're giving up on me? Wait no. You probably gave up on yourself first instead. It makes me feel bad. You're no longer talking to me just because i'm not talking to you. I know you've tried. But I am tired. I've withdrawn myself. From you. I no longer have the excess energy to try. Now it's become I-dont-know- what. This is a part of life called 'being puzzled'. I need someone whom I want to be there 24/7 for and someone who wants to be here 24/7 too. Or I need someone who I want to give 3/8 and he gives me 3/8 back in return. My life is a cycle theory, regarding people. Am I calculative?
I wish I held little arguments in my forebrain at all times about all the matters in life. I used to do that during free time, but now I've been telling myself that I am simply too tired to bother. It led to a term called 'slack' by the way. I think a lot you know. Regarding every matter, I think about the consequences. LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES. My thoughts go through a long process and yet i only love to recount the ending. One point about me I knew from the start is that I tend to be realistic. I never love narrative and I dont see why should i not get straight down to the point rather than adding 'flowers and twists' to my words, although i feel it does succeed its entertainment purposes, IN AN ESSAY.
School has exhausted my brain juice. I get so lazy to learn nor study. Probably because it's the tournament season. I'd rather play ball than study, like during the holidays. I think i am capable of better results. I can be confident. But yeah, continue thinking leeying. You always do the wrong things at the most important and critical time of your life. Thankfully, you've got luck. Although not all the time. All along your school years you've had backing. You know it. But when you went to work, life took a change. Major one. You met even difficult people you've never seen before. Faced even tougher responsibility you wished you never took. You learnt to juggle and struggle with life. Your mindset changed. You added a few more lines to your eyes, and probably wrinkles to your face. You cried. Didn't you? Sometimes you don't understand why. Yet you had grown stronger and understood that besides the bad times there are good times.
Sometimes, I may appear indifferent. However I am not oblivious to things around me. I am sensitive, in a way that your behaviour affects me. Appear nice to me, I will be nice towards you. I like people who returns me a smile. To me, it's never difficult. I forget things fast. Especially unhappy happenings, really really fast. I don't instill your words into my head unless you are someone who is close to me. I might have taken things for granted, regardless of how much I've tried not to. Sometimes I appear pessimistic, but it takes me just one night's rest to become optimistic. I love the dawn. I love peace and comfort. I love light and warmth. I usually feel fine being alone or in a group. Overall, there is something about me which makes me feel that I am different.
I forgive myself for my errors and try not to repeat them. I once made a mistake in life that sometimes I wish I could start anew elsewhere. That might make me no different from others. But the bottomline is, I like myself for who I am. In a way that makes me feel different.
So will you give me credits for that, and like me too?
