Saturday, April 05, 2008
We started as individuals, yet came together to become someone. { 11:19 PM
(Alicia Pe, Andrea Seet, Chang Wen Jia, Chia Xinling, Choo Wanqi, Geraldine Tung, Josephine Lawrence, Liu Juan, Louisa Sng, Tan Ci Hui, Yvonne Tan, Coach, me) We started off like this.
We were Secondary 2 netballers.
Hello, i've lived through a beautiful phase of my life;
Netball in my secondary school years.
PESS! Then Netball C div' 06 was my most memorable one of all. At the end of Sec 1, Louisa & I started playing the defence. I was noobish, I admit. Most of the times i did not know what I was doing. I just ran, i love the rhythm, i just threw, i just tried. I love the pattern of Keepers' throw-in which Louisa lobs to me, then I cross a lob over to Geraldine, she throws it to the attack, once Alicia gets the ball, we walk back.
'Chop', and in the shot goes. Ci Hui gives me an eye-contact once in awhile, indicating our tactic. And I get to run again. :)
TKGS, our toughest deemed opponent for us over the seasons. We either tied or lost to them, which didn't look good. We went through matches with fluctuating performances yet entered top 4 like a breeze. It was, amazing. Until we lost to TKGS again, and met Damai.
During that period of time our performance was going downhill probably at a speed of 1000km/h. It was shit, we lagged behind bad during that match. Coach walked out on us. The crowd was looking. Even my sis was watching. First quart, and I fell. Blood was flowing down my shin that the umpire had to call for time for me to clean my wound. I know your heart must've quivered each time i fall, team, how much anxiety uphill and down i must've caused. Yet i felt so numb each time i fell, to the extent i didn't even know I was bleeding. It hurts, yet i just beat it off, and only realise the the extent of my wound after the game.
That was me, team. One who didn't really know what I was doing, nor what was happening. We caught up by 8, yet lost by 2. It was too late, it was the first time i ever cried for netball. This was the time i started to understand what was happening. Yet our team was falling out with one another. And soon, my first Nationals ever, was over, just like that..
We're going onto Secondary 4.
It was a training day, in the stadium after training. Xinling and I were making a decision on whether to join Blaze or not. I did not know why that thought struck me. All I knew next after inter-league by the end of sec 2 was that I was so into netball, that i wanted to do better for my team.
Secondary 3, WanQi didn't make it for the team. I see Xinling & Alicia's heart dropped, through the distressed expression on their faces.. We've started feeling for one another. I see, and I saw, through everyone of us. We went to coach. Blahblahblahblahblah... ... ...
Secondary 3's season stopped soon. At least we had LeeCheng, who did not let us down anytime. She was a pretty good captain, even though she's my sister and i might be a biased source. But truly, I've seen her fought hard for all games despite her lack of sleep and the dis-improving stamina she has. Never once did she not hold on until the end of a game. That through her, i found a spirit which deserves commendation.
Once again, i've learnt.
And this year.. Was so important. We knew we had a certain standard, that we were going to be capable of something good. I sprained my ankles countless times, till the sinseh uncle recognises me, till everybody uses the word 'again?!' on me, till my mother says how stupid i am, till i bought a $36 ankle guard and borrowed another one from coach, but apparently some times it didnt help too...
PRCS game. Many of the sports class people came! And so did Raymond. WE WON, AND ENTERED TOP 4! WHEN WE NEARLY LOST IT ONCE MORE, WE CREATED A MIRACLE. WOOHOO. :)
It was the Semi-finals. I didnt play. I sprained my ankle the day before. I walked past Eugene. He knew what had happened. It was the evening. And I was smsing Elize. I called mum, waited for her to be back wishing that she could bring me to the sinseh. 6pm zoomed to 8.50pm already so i asked sis if she could accompany me instead. She wanted to go bathe first so by 9pm, mum came home and cabbed me there. I felt so, so comforted. That night, Raymond & Daryl messaged wishing me luck. Alicia & Cihui asked if i was alright. Can play? I said I was. Can. Must. I said thanks for the luck i'll definitely try my best..
It was the next morning. Ouch... My bandaged ankle lifted on the pillow over the night was aching. I tried to step out of bed early that day. 'I have a game, i'm going to play..' I psycho-ed that into my head. One step, and another.. I limped to the bathroom. Getting ready to take on the day's challenges.
I asked Cahyo if she could buy me my breakfast. I felt like a cripple. I woke up early, before 6.30, hoping I could catch a cab before 7. So I left house a little past 6.50am, carrying my tumbler, shoebag, icebox, which shouldnt be hard by right.. Yet I was struggling. Because I needed support.
'Cahyo, i'm sorry but can you go down to the bus-stop with me?' I felt like such a weakling.
7am, i finally made it to the bus-stop. I took more than twice or thrice the time needed than usual to make it there. Furthermore It was raining so the cab fare was expensive. In 1 night and 1 morning, i've spent at least $50...
So I made my way to the canteen, where 4 people were there.. 'How's your ankle? Are you okay?' 'How are you going to play?'
'Yes,' the opposite, I thought. 'Playing..' It's hurting like f***.
Then.. Nothing happened. I felt transparent after. For the first time in my life i felt so alone while having people right beside me.. (Details are trying to be deleted from my memory so no further elaboration)
In class: 'Lee Ying, you're going to play!? How are you going to play? I dont think you should.'
Not only 1, but 2, but 9, & more of the same thing..
'No, it's my game, an important one...' Sorry JMs, I broke down. Thank you for your note Cherine, because.. I had been crying like mad.
It was going to be warm-up. *Spray spray spray, pray pray pray*
*Running ..* Thinking: 'Someone please break my leg' . Talking: 'Hold on' *go spray more*
Before the game.. To Xinling: 'I think I might not be able to play.'
Xinling: Then tell coach.
Coach: Then Jingying play GK, Louisa GD.
Team talk: One player down~
I sat. And cheered. Yet what was running through my head was, *Can I try?* No, I did not get a chance.
I dont see why i deserve the blame, because I can confidently say, as long as a team has a strong attack and treasures every single center pass and put the shot in, winning will never be a problem.
But.. I got unhappy faces over the next 2-3 days. And Elize, you were the only one who did not give up on me.
During this time, it was good time to reflect. It suddenly dawned upon me to think about why I was playing for. I thought it was for my team. For my coach, they who gave me the passion for this sport. But it seemed like i was so wrong. Something then had hit me so hard, so bad, that i found it so hard just to stand back up on my feet again. As if a wall by my side that used to make me feel so secure just came crumbling down. And I got stuck as i lost my sides and am struggling on my own.
Over~ And finals are here. *Much better ankle now, though aching a little and jumping less high.* I thought. No feelings, just an activity to make up for the time and money i've spent. Yup, what else did matter? We won PLMGS by the way, I thought only my defence side mattered because it was what i had in netball and was built up in. So during this period i was so numb.
Then so many things happened.. Our relationship with coach was like a roller coaster ride as all of us were undergoing some emotional state. Then the last game, Coach did not come because she was sick, nor did Louisa came, Elize was injured.. So it ended up with 10 + Rongzhen on a Saturday morning.
And was that the last of Kallang? I cried. Because I realised I did feel so much for all.. I did.. That I became so so numb.. That I was unable to believe that all these which had happened has come to an end.. That I cant believe now about how mnay times I've thought of giving up, but there used to be at least some One who'll pull me back.. But now it's over. I cant believe how many times through netball i've seen some light, dimmed then brightened, dark then lighted again. Yet now.. This light has diminished..
Then I realised this light had been a part of my flesh, that once it's gone, a part of me dies, and i'll rephrase something which Xinling said, 'you'll never be who you are without the things which you love.'
Then I had been feeling just like a lifeless soul recently..
天无不散之宴席.
Stadium, a place where i've found peace with during my first 2 years in AHS. The top corner where netballers placed their bags always feels like a territory, giving me a feeling as if i belonged. To think the school once made me feel like home because of the stadium. I could always go there knowing i would find someone i know, yet now.. During the next 2 years, these feelings gradually faded.. As we were being 'disliked', relationships faded as people & people aint as close anymore.
Nevertheless, you people have left an indelible mark on my heart. Sports class people who used to label the G class as the branches, the chalets, netballers, shuttlers, bballers, tt-players.. I'm pretty sure these memories are hard to lose.
(Alicia Pe, Chia Xinling, Choo Wanqi, Geraldine Tung, Tan Ci Hui, me) And the last game ended off like that.
Oh Elize, you're special and this post is between me and my batch. And this is general that specific ones.. Perhaps.. When the time isnt so late in the night like now it'll just come out of me again. It's been 3 hours.Labels: If this is what you call a blessing in disguise
